It’s all been a bit quiet on the JDOCD front lately. If you are new here and you don’t have a clue what I am talking about then all is explained back in 2005.

It’s not like, she assures me, the disease is waning here at Swordfish Towers. Any suggestion I may make on that score meets with one of those stares reminiscent of Paddington Bear. It’s more like it has gone underground and I don’t get to hear so much of what is going on. But, of course the next big event in the life of any JDOCD sufferer is looming with the imminent release of Public Enemies which premieres in London Monday 29th June. (Here is a link to the official website and if you can sit through the time it takes to load up then you must surely be infected).

My wife – as my posts over the years on this subject have detailed – has been to every London Depp premiere since Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. So now I am going to impart some shocking news. She is wavering. That’s right – she might give it a miss. And if that isn’t a clear sign of gradual recovery from this debilitating ailment then I don’t know what is.

I thought perhaps I had hit on it the other day when she came waltzing in from the shops with a copy of the Vanity Fair magazine pictured above. See – one of the claims made by women with this disorder – and probably some men too but let’s not go there – is that Depp still looks the same as he always did. He doesn’t age, they say, but retains those youthful looks. Ha, thought I, catching sight of the magazine and holding it up triumphantly declared “look… wrinkles”!

She looked at me with sad eyes, a sigh and a slow shake of the head and then looked back at the picture. “Yes…’ she agreed. “Aren’t they cute?”

The bastard.

She finally wakes up and comes downstairs to join me still looking half asleep and gazes out into space through bleary, half-open eyes.

“I had a nightmare” she murmurs. I make the appropriate sympathetic noises.

“I was at some kind of party or something with lots of celebrities. I was talking to Martin Landau”. It becomes clear suddenly.

“Ah”, says I, “you had a Depp meeting”.

“No”, she responds sadly. “He wasn’t there…”

There is a slight pause before she adds

“…that’s probably why it was a nightmare”.

This is a little JDOCD story with a difference as, for a change, it does not involve my wife.

Whilst standing looking at the book rack in a local Tesco yesterday, I found myself beside a young couple perusing the DVD rack at the side. They seemed to be searching for a film to watch. The young man picked one off the shelf and offered it to his other half. She hardly noticed and her eyes were a little glazed over as if she were a little drunk. The truth, however, soon declared itself. Without looking at the DVD he was holding out she muttered:

“No… I’d rather watch Sweeney Todd“.

The young man sighed and replaced the DVD and then pulled another off the shelf.

“No… I’d rather watch Sweeney Todd“.

This happened six times before he gave up and wandered off with her finally tearing her eyes away from the one DVD she was intent on and, still in a daze, following on.

I wonder if he knows how serious this is…

There is a lady who, for the sake of anonymity, I shall simply refer to as ‘Heathrow’ and who suffers from a bad case of JDOCD as does, of course, my wife. Somehow these people find each other. I really do have no idea how but before you know it there is a little network of sufferers from various points on the globe all talking and supporting each other and sharing, no doubt, their Depp fueled fantasies.

Heathrow – who I will say is a lovely lady and who visits us from time to time bearing a box of London Cheesecakes just for me – is also very talented and started making these little dolls of all her JDOCD fueled friends.

When she bought the small effigy of my wife into the house I was struck by how she had managed, just in felt and wool, to capture the essence of my other half. And because, of course, I am such a jolly nice chap and perhaps because I allow these obsessed women to gather at my house from time to time, Heathrow presented me around Christmas with a little doll of myself.

And that’s it up in my current banner. And is it me? Absolutely!

But Heathrow has gone further and has made a small handful of dolls of Mr Depp for her closest friends representing their favourite Depp movie characters and pictured here are just three of the best.

At the top, of course, ‘Sweeney Todd – The Demon Barber of Fleet Street‘ in which Heathrow has perfectly captured that psychotic look that Depp wore throughout the film.

Next up is Fred Abberline from the film ‘From Hell‘ which is the wife’s favourite and is sitting now, on her desk.

To round out the three is a sadly fuzzy photo of Raoul Duke who was, of course, the late Hunter Thompson in the Terry Gilliam file ‘Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I have to say how that could be anyone’s favourite is beyond me but still.

I include this one despite it being badly focused just to give a little excitement to any JDOCD sufferers who may read this as those fingers clutching the doll are… yes ladies… Johnny’s.

This one belongs to him.

And when it was presented to him he apparently was quite taken with it and thanked Heathrow in his best Hunter Thompson voice.

(When I put this item together I asked Heathrow if she minded. She seemed surprised that I wanted to write about a pastime that she felt herself was ‘bordering on lunacy’. She also said that Abberline’s hair didn’t look mussed like that when she made it but, as I pointed out, I think my wife likes the ‘just got out of bed’ look. We also talked about whether to include the picture at the top – me and my good wife – as I was not originally going to. But as Heathrow said it would give her a laugh to see it, how could I not? I have no comment however on why she is brandishing a knife in one hand and holding handcuffs in the other).

There has been, of course, much excitement and anticipation engulfing the JDOCD community recently which was replaced with much wringing of hands, beating of breasts and gnashing of teeth with just three little words. Daniel Day Lewis. Yes, Johny Depp, up for his third ‘best actor’ Oscar, was overlooked again. For those who may not remember, and that is probably the majority and everyone not suffering from JDOCD, he was nominated for the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, (2004), Finding Neverland (2005) and this year for Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Now let me say this: I have huge admiration for Depp as an actor. He also seems like a very nice guy. I don’t have any desire to sleep with him and I don’t believe that twenty minutes in his company will sort out all my problems and change my world. But if I stumbled across him in the local pub sipping a quiet beer I am sure I could enjoy a simple conversation. So, back to the Oscars.

It seemed to me that he never really was in with a chance, especially this year. The likelihood of the Academy giving it’s most prestigious prize to a black comedy musical – despite Depp putting in a decent enough singing performance to what was, let’s face it, a lousy score – was slim at best. Especially when you can give it to Daniel Day Lewis who seems to be able to shout louder than anyone else. The same really goes for his first outing as Jack Sparrow – most certainly not Oscar material. His best hope was with his perfect performance as James Barrie which lost out to Jamie Foxx’s Ray Charles.

Depp is, without doubt, the most versatile leading actor working in film today and quite possibly the best at his craft. He will almost surely receive future nominations and may, one day, actually win one. But it would not surprise me if the Hollywood establishment, which he shuns, continue to pass him over – a little like they did for years to Martin Scorsese.

I can see Depp having to wait his turn for another ten years or so when the Academy members, so embarrassed by their omission, will hand him a ‘Lifetime Achievement’ award and that would, in most respects, be far more fitting.