I have to admit that this tickled my sense of humour. What you can’t see is the fact that this was the only bus in the coach park. There it stood – all alone, unloved, cloudy grey sky above, damp tarmac below.

Makes you wonder what it had done wrong!

A couple of years ago I made some sweeping, generalised and negative comments about Las Vegas and was immediately and justifiably set upon by a Vegas resident defending her home town.

And since then, I have visited a couple of times, stayed there and altered my opinion.

Last year in fact, we spent a few days at the Bellagio Hotel pictured here on the left, staying in a room overlooking the famous and visually stunning fountains that dominate the frontage.

If you have never seen these fountains operating then I thoroughly recommend a quick trip to YouTube where I feel sure there will be a plentiful supply of videos to choose from although a video can not really do justice to the grandeur and elegance of this feature. Nor can it properly convey the awesome roar of the water as it shoots up into the air.

Having watched these fountains reach up to our 11th floor window and beyond, you can imagine that we were somewhat amused to find that for a sale price of just £49.99, we can re-create this astounding display in our own garden pond!

That will give the neighbours something to talk about.

On my recent trip to the USA I bought a few t-shirts. I like t-shirts but I particularly like American t-shirts as they are generally made without seams at the sides and do not twist after a few washes. Actually the fabric always seems better as well. The picture is NOT one of my t-shirts by the way – just a random image I came across.

So, this morning I put one of these shirts on that happens to have a rather large Las Vegas motif printed on the back. It is a similar colour to the one in the photo. I was worried that it looked stupid.

“Do I look stupid in this t-shirt” I ask my wife just before we take the dogs out for their morning constitutional. She looks me over thoughtfully..

“What are you?” She asks, “56? 57?”

“What’s that got to do with it?” I say.

There is a slight pause…

“Beige” she says.

It’s amazing just how much scorn she got into that word.

If regular visitors – and I still have a few – have been looking here for anything new then my apologies. Some of my overnight stops have not had quite the internet access advertised! At the moment I am in the charming town of La Jolla just a few short miles up the coast from San Diego and access here is exceptional.

So – a few days back, before the blisteringly hot drive from St. George in Utah to San Diego… Let’s just talk about that a moment. The temperature at Barstow, California, where I stopped to eat, was 115 degrees Fahrenheit! That is a sizzling 46 degrees Celsius. And that was not the really hot part. The really, really hot part was the wind. I am used, in England, of talking about the ‘chill factor’ when it comes to wind. There was no cooling breeze in this wind. This wind felt like you had just opened up a fan oven and stuck your head inside. How do people live there?

Anyway – before all this, whilst staying at St. George, I made a trip to visit some friends who live about 40 miles north. I have never been there but they did tell me that their house is down a dirt road – what we would call gravel – and asked, of course, if I needed directions. No says I, because I have Susan with me, my trusty Magellan SatNav.

Susan is good. She has, in her time, successfully negotiated my way to Niagara Falls, Toronto, Washington and New York, Las Vegas and Los Angeles, through Arizona to the Grand Canyon and through Southern Utah without incident although she has been known to break down in tears when in a city surrounded by skyscrapers. But on the whole, she does a perfect job. But she is very literal. Inform her that you want to get from your current location to point B in the shortest possible time and she generally does OK. Tell her you want to do it in the shortest possible distance and… well – this is where things can get tricky. And that was the mistake I made.

See, go for the shortest distance and Susan will take you at your word. Still with about 10 miles to go she told me to turn right which I dutifully did. The road looked small but pretty good until I turned the first corner and found myself on gravel spreading dust into the air. Now my friends had told me they lived on a dirt road but I didn’t expect it to be 10 miles long.

Andy: Are you sure?
Susan: Of course I’m sure. Just keep going and take a left at that old gateway up ahead.

This took me onto an even smaller, bumpier and dustier track and even my Hertz 4 x 4 rental wheezed a little and slid in disgust. But I kept going – Susan usually knows best. When I turned the next corner I could see a dust cloud up ahead and suddenly 4 ATV Quad bikes were hurtling towards me. I had nowhere to go so I just slammed on the brakes and they all streaked past with inches to spare.

Andy: Oh come on Susan. This doesn’t look right to me.
Susan: Just shut up and drive. I know where we are and you want to get there yes?

So I struggled on with this track getting smaller a couple more miles when I came to this open gateway with a big sign beside it that said ‘Private Property’. Now I have to admit I was a bit sceptical – this was the most barren landscape imaginable and I couldn’t for the life of me see why anyone would want to buy some of it.

Andy: See that Susan? It’s private – I can’t go any further.
Susan: They’re lying. I have this listed in my database as a public road. Just keep going.

Well – there was nowhere to turn anyway so I went slowly through the gateway and immediately came across another, more ominous sign: ‘Trespassers will be shot and then hanged’. OK – so I made up the hanging part but the first bit did it for me.

Andy: That’s it – I’m turning round.
Susan: You’re going to let a little threat stop you? This is the way – come on – be a man.
Andy: Anyone who is stupid enough to buy a bit of this land is probably stupid enough to shoot me as well. I’m going back.
Susan: Coward. I hope you know that if I have to recalculate your route it will add at least two miles on.

And that is what it came down to. Instruct your SatNav to take the shortest distance and it will innocently do so directing you down the most forbidding dirt track you’ll ever find. I turned round and then had to get back to the main road with the voice of Susan repeating over and over again… ‘when it is safe to do so make a legal u-turn’.

I have to be a little more careful in what I say about my wife in future since she started a blog of her own and has a perfect and public platform for a little mild retaliation – or if she preferred and I stepped over the line – a big dose of humiliation. Of course, that works both ways but as I was here first and have been divulging her JDOCD secrets for all to read then she has some catching up to do.

You can find her at, wait for it… The Depp Effect. Inevitable really that that bloke should get a mention although as it happens I am coming in for my fair share of exposure as well in a little series she has started entitled ‘Conversations With A Husband’.

Well I can’t let an opportunity like that pass me by now can I? She can be just as eccentric as I after all. So this is a little tale for starters although in this case the conversation was one-sided as I was drifting off to sleep at the time.

She is sitting up in bed reading up on a diet she is considering (for health reasons). As I am lying there, welcoming the onset of slumber, she is quietly reading out the list of foods the diet permits. At the end of the list there is a slight pause and I hear her say….

“There’s no chocolate. They’ve forgotten the chocolate…. must be a mistake”.