Dear Tony

This is just a short note to say how outraged I am that the police had the audacity to enter Downing Street and give you, our Prime Minister, a grilling over your ‘Cash for Honours’ scheme. It certainly is coming to something when the highest public officer in the land is subjected to such indignity.

Despite the fact that I have crossed you off my Christmas card list I wanted to speak out and offer myself as a witness in your defence – should it be needed. I am more than ready to testify that not only did I not receive any sort of honour for the £100 I bunged you last Spring – not even a CBE – I didn’t even get a thank you note. While true that I was expecting something in return it is, I suppose, a testament to your integrity that I was deliberately overlooked.

I am perfectly willing to talk to the police about this, especially if you could find me a nice little all-expenses paid position on some obscure quango somewhere.

As I said above, I’m sorry, but there will be no card or little gifts this year. My wife is somewhat upset that Cherie quite obviously didn’t even bother to look at the book we sent her (101 Beauty Tips) and none of your kids wrote and thanked us for the £5 Virgin vouchers.

All the same, I remain, as ever, ready to be of service.

Dear Tony

You will have noticed I’ve been quiet for a bit, keeping my own counsel while watching the clouds gather over Downing Street, heralding one political storm after another. But I can stay silent no longer. You may not have always heeded my advice but I continue to offer it and now, I offer it again in the hope that between us, we can pull you out of the mess you’ve gone and got yourself into. And let’s be honest here Tony, it is all rather your own fault isn’t it?

But before that a few pats on the back – after all, credit where credit is due. Exposing naughty John’s frolics with Tracy was a masterstroke of political timing. Using ‘Prescott’s Pants Problem’ to deflect the media from ‘The Price is Right’ Peerage scandal was worthy of that nice Mr Campbell himself. He was obviously a good teacher.

Congratulations too on the sacking of Charles Clarke. It should have happened a few days earlier but you got there in the end. I always said that man was a mistake and now we all know I was right. Off to the back benches with him! Oh – and you can tell him he can take off the party ears now – they always looked silly anyway.

I suppose too that demoting Jack Straw was a smart move although I’ve been scouring back issues of all the newspapers and I can’t seem to find what it is he did wrong. But I’m sure that if he had to go it must have been something very serious. Other than just being Jack Straw of course! Unless it was Condi. Perish the thought.

But that’s about it really isn’t it? The rest is all downhill without a paddle. I mean to say – John Reid as Home Secretary? Another Scot put in a position to laird it over us English. And Margaret Beckett? Is that the same Margaret Beckett? The one with all the teeth? I can only assume Cherie slipped something into your cocoa to make you come up with that one? 355 MP’s to choose from and you choose Margaret Beckett! It’s not going well is it?

Dear Tony

You’ll be pleased to know that just for a change, I’m writing not to criticise but to congratulate! And I promise I wont mention Scotland. Or Wales for that matter. And the reason for my congratulations? I’ve just read the report entitled ‘United Kingdom – Human Rights: A Broken Promise’ from those pesky troublemakers at Amnesty International and immediately felt I had to write to show my support for everything you and your colleagues are doing on our behalf.

It takes a gutsy and forward-thinking leader to implement the kinds of laws and regulations your government is working hard to achieve and I applaud your effort in the face of these left-wing, pinko, gay-loving incense eaters. Keep up the good work!

I particularly didn’t think it was fair of this liberal-minded organisation to quote from the 1997 Labour party manifesto:

“Citizens should have statutory rights to enforce their human rights in the UK courts. We will by statute incorporate the European Convention on Human Rights into UK law to bring these rights home and allow our people access to them in their national courts. The incorporation of the European Convention will establish a floor, not a ceiling, for human rights.”

The honest citizens of this country understand why you’ve had to ditch these laudatory promises in favour of tougher restrictions on our hard-won freedoms. We understand why we all need to carry ID cards. We can see just why it is that some people have to be locked up without trial. And what an absolute brilliant idea it is to not even tell them why! Brilliant! I bet they’re all bloody Amnesty International card-carrying Trots the lot of them.

Dear Tony

Apologies for bringing up a subject I’ve touched on before but I’ve been waiting to hear you make an announcement for quite some time now and fear that you’ve probably been side-tracked, despite the more vocal attention the subject has been getting in our nations wonderful press. I refer again, of course, to the democratic inequality practised in these wonderful isles of ours.

I know what it’s like when you’re down the pub and you count heads so you can get the next round in – and when you get back with the drinks you’re one short because you forgot to include yourself. Or when you count the rooms in your house but forget to include the one you’re standing in. But to forget a whole country when you’re handing out parliaments just because you’re living in it takes the proverbial biscuit. England Tony, England. You forgot England! That bit that starts just north of Newcastle and goes down to Lands End taking in Bognor Regis on the way. The big bit.

The England that was England before there was a Scotland; before there was a Wales and before anyone knew the Irish were even there. The bit that used to belong to the Roman Empire, the land of Boudicca, Hereward the Wake and Caractacus (although he might have been Welsh!). The land of Alfred the Great, Edward the Confessor and Henry the Debaucher. The home of the Church of England and Cliff Richard. How on earth could you overlook England?

Dear Tony

I had to write somewhat urgently having just read your ‘New Year Message’. A very Presidential concept but somewhat lacking in whoomph! A polished piece of prose perhaps but short on substance and completely devoid of excitement. If this is the best you can do then it’s no wonder the young don’t vote. And you – the old Master of Spin!

But no need to fret. It’s not too late to salvage the situation and I offer my good and timely advice below. I was going to suggest a ‘New Year Message Addendum’ but then, as I was talking to my Better Half about her resolution never to go into a Morrisons again it struck me:

The ‘Prime Ministers New Year Political Resolutions’!

The idea is so exciting I had to sit right down with a hot cocoa and pen this note. Just think of the possibilities – you can outshine that new lad the Tories have got in one stroke with a ‘new kind of politics’. Make real and exciting resolutions now – perform the deed during 2006. What a coup! And no – I’m not talking about those old chestnuts you already covered in your ‘message’. This needs excitement, anticipation and a new approach. So here goes.