My wife has some serious allergies – both food and medicine – and by serious I mean serious in that if the wrong stuff gets inside her then it’s flashing lights, awooga awooga, red alert number one, shields up, ’she canna hold out much longer cap’n', where’s the bloody ambulance time.

As someone who can put just about anything inside of me as long as it’s not actually poisonous – and some pretty dubious stuff has visited my digestive tract that’s for sure – it took me some time when we were first married to get used to grilling every restaurant waiter regarding their kitchen practises and scrutinising every ingredient list on pre-packaged food and even after 32 years of marriage I still get it wrong from time to time.

I have also learned, sharing in her frustration, to re-check ingredients on food items every time you buy them because manufacturers quite regularly make unannounced changes. Overnight, a favourite and long standing can of soup becomes a potential murder weapon because, for some inexplicable reason, it suddenly contains fish oil. And fish means flashing lights, awooga awooga, red alert and the rest. I have also, in recent years, become more circumspect about ingredients devised in laboratories myself and am starting to get appalled at the crap we are expected to mix with our food.

So yesterday, as we were both feeling the effects of a bug and were performing the weekly ritual of supermarket shopping (yes I go too but admit I keep looking at my watch and asking impatiently if we can go home now – I’m a man after all), our eyes wandered to the pre-packaged desserts, that part of the brain that insidiously sends the message that something sweet and sticky will cheer you up instantly sprang to attention, mouths sensuously watered and before we knew what was happening the prize was nearly in the trolley. Except, of course, that the ingredient list had to be read.

And there it was, nestling innocuously in the middle of the usual list of unpronounceable chemicals. “Alpha1 ™”. What the fuck is “Alpha1 ™”? Would you put something in your mouth that contained “Alpha1 ™”? Does anyone pick up a product and say ‘Oh… goodie… it’s got “Alpha1 ™” in it. Yummy – my favourite’!

Needless to say it went back on the shelf and the thought of a sticky, tasty dessert dissipated as quickly as it arrived.