Back in February 2007 I mentioned in a post that I had had some recent hallucinations involving bats. At the time there was one living in my video cabinet that flew out one night and vanished near the ceiling when we put on a DVD to watch and there was another that flew between the bedroom and the bathroom. Eventually the bats went away but the odd visionary experience remained. There was the big yellow snake I tussled with in the kitchen and, perhaps the weirdest, the beetle that crawled – or oozed – out from behind the glass in my watch when all I wanted was to determine the time.

On the whole I have not really been troubled by these hallucinations; in fact I have found them quite humorous. My kids have got mileage from them convinced they are nothing but LSD flashbacks and clear evidence of their old man’s supposedly drug-addled past and only my dear wife has shown the proper level of concern, been doing her homework and stumbled upon their cause. And it is all in the small print.

The small print in question is contained on those leaflets you get in prescription medicines – the ones you perhaps browse through the first time around, probably never read to the bottom of and discard with every repeat because they are in the way and stop you getting the foil strip of pills properly back into the box. But therein lies the answer to my bats and in my case a few other problems as well.

I have been taking three daily prescription drugs for several years and am, I have been told casually by my doctor, on them for life. In my case, none of them are a matter of life or death but are, shall we say, aids to comfort, freedom from specific pain and help to bits of me that don’t work as well as they used to. And you can stop sniggering now. All three actually do a good job. And all three have a possible side effect list that explains a lot.

For a kick off, one of them contains Aspartame. Why on earth a pill you swallow whole that has nothing to do with sweetening my tea should have an ingredient as noxious as bloody Aspartame is beyond me but it’s a black mark. What really bothers me however, is that some of these side effects are common to all three pills I take and are things that I have, over the years, talked to my doctor about without them once suggesting it might just be the medication. These include blurred vision, low blood pressure and corresponding dizziness, constant dry throat and mouth, inflammation of the lining of the nose, dry skin and itching and swelling of the ankles. All three can also lead to headaches, fatigue and weakness, pins and needles, ‘disturbance’ of the gut, insomnia and confusion! So the next time I am out driving locally and have to ask my wife where we are it might well be drug induced lack of sleep but just as easily might be drug induced confusion.

Singly these drugs can cause changes to my blood cell count, photosensitivity, hair thinning (which explains that one!), liver disorders (and it did say disorders plural), impotence, abnormal ejaculation (whatever that means) and abnormal enlargement of breasts in men – and mine are most definitely growing. Oh yes – and depression – which, with all this lot waiting to descend upon you is perfectly understandable.

And – finally of course – hallucinations.

With a list like that what do you think your chances are of escaping? I know I haven’t. And that’s why I’ve stopped talking the lot.