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A couple of years back, in a piece entitled Arachnophobia, I laid bare my irrational fear of spiders. We are, now it is September, coming to that period in the year when spiders start to dart indoors when you’re not looking, presumably to find somewhere warm and comfortable to hang out and do those nasty spidery things they do.
Considering the all-consuming totality of my phobia I have quite surprised myself this past week by sharing our conservatory with a nasty bugger of an arachnid that has been strutting it’s stuff up near the roof. The conservatory is my leisure room where I can smoke (with open windows and door), read and use my laptop and when there is no tractor or harvester roaring away in the field beside us or RAF Tornado jets screaming away overhead, I have the soothing sound of the waterfall from the ornamental fish pond just outside the doorway.
I have actually developed a small pain in the neck this last week from continually glancing up at Mrs Arachnid overhead, ready to leap aside should she drop or decide to scale the wall and come close. Yes - I know - totally irrational. But yesterday while I was out for a few hours, my wife and eldest son, both of whom are perverse enough to find spiders ‘interesting’ - very kindly decided to evict the roof dweller and knowing I would need proof, also made a video of the process from capture to release in the garden some 100 feet away. And thanks to their supreme efforts, I was able, yesterday evening, to sit out in my favourite chair without having to be on edge all the time.
So you can imagine my horror when I come downstairs this morning to enjoy my early morning tea and that first, satisfying smoke only to discover that the bloody thing is back. I’m convinced it’s the same spider. Having spent the last week watching the damn thing I’d know it anywhere. Despite being taken 100 feet away in a glass it has sought revenge and has returned to blight my life and is, at this moment, back at it’s little station above my head wiggling it’s long hairy legs at me. It knows. It does it on purpose. Waits for me to glance up and then performs a little dance.
A quick look on Wikipedia this morning (why is that not Wikipaedia?) informs me that it is largely a myth that females eat males after mating although it admits that some species do and others may ‘mistake the male spider for prey’. What? How on earth can they mistake their recent mate for prey?
him: “Was that good for you dear? Did the web move?”
her: “Not bad I suppose. Would have been nice if you’d lasted a bit longer”
him: “Well that was your fault - you wriggled at the wrong time. I’ll be off then. Enjoy the dead fly I bought you”
her: “Don’t I even get a goodbye kiss? Honestly, you blokes are all the same”
him: “Yeah, yeah! How about the same time tomorrow? I’ll bring a nice, juicy beetle and you can bring the wine… Hey, ouch! Bloody hell woman, you just bit straight through my leg!”
her: “soyee, fought oo was pwey”
him “You what? Spit it out immediately - I might be able to glue it back… ouch…”
You see what it is …….I have always been told they are lucky!!! and they eat nasty fly’s so I can’t just kill them ,for fear of bringing down all sorts of bad luck…….and they know that the bastards!
Then you won’t be wanting to read Daphne’s post today….
Bob Bragues last blog post..With deepest apologies to Walt Whitman, Robert Louis Stevenson, and the entire Hollywood film industry
@Bob Brague: Thanks for the tip. I’ll give it a wide berth
@I Albion: This is why they get the sympathetic eviction in our house. I just stand at a safe distance and watch!
You’re safe now, Andy - I’ve written another post since! The only creepy crawlies that I don’t like much (apart from ones that are poisonous) are those huge slugs that seem to be everywhere at the moment.
Daphnes last blog post..Nearly, but Not Quite
It is NOT the same spider, sweetheart. This one is smaller and is called Dave.
@Daphne: Yes - for some reason we have these also trying to sneak in the back door. Actually, sneak is not really a word you can use for slugs is it…?
@Mrs YS: Dave? It’s a male then is it? I think you just made that up. I don’t believe for one minute it’s called Dave.
It’s still there by the way…
I feel another slide show will need to be made.LOL Dave! LOL
I feel your pain Andy. I know just how sensitive you are to these creatures; even fake ones. wink.
Okay, now I am totally disillusioned. I thought that the only reason God invented Man was to take care of the spiders for Woman. (Oh, that and the automotive/mechanical stuff.) Sheesh…good thing I learned to take care of ‘em myself…
Jansy
@Jansy: Er… no! Don’t do the automative/mechanical stuff either…
LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Love the spicy little “conversation” at the end, Andy! Funny stuff. I cried a little, I was laughing so hard.
I loathe spiders too.
Jennys last blog post..Greenville On Monday, Charlotte On Tuesday …
@Jenny: They make it so easy to loathe them don’t they? It almost seems like a duty..