It really was a good day. My head is still buzzing this morning from all the excitement.

It started off, as usual, with my first mug of hot tea and first cigarette of the day, checking for overnight emails and messages. And there it was, sitting quietly in my inbox. Apparently I have won one and half million US dollars – yes, $1,500,000 – in the “Euro Milliones Lottery International Email Address Draw”! Wow. I didn’t even know my email address had been entered. What a way to start the day.

Of course, at first I was a little suspicious about the misspelling of ‘Millions’ but I guess this came from a European whose first language is not English so I can overlook that. Odd that they pay out in US dollars as well and not Euros – but then not all of the EU has adopted Euro’s including us here in the UK so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised.

I emailed them straight back with my Barclays bank account details which was nearly a mistake as I discovered a little later when still celebrating my good fortune with a nice bottle of red. There was another email sitting further down in my inbox to say my Barclays account had been compromised. That caused a few moments of panic I can tell you. But I quickly followed the instructions and verified my account details to make sure all was safe again and that some nasty confidence trickster wouldn’t get his grubby hands on my one and a half million when it arrives. This was a close shave but I think I acted quick enough. What a relief!

On such an exciting and auspicious day it almost felt natural that my luck would continue and there it was, arriving just after lunch – an interesting investment offer for some mining operation in South Africa. The promised returns almost looked too good to be true but I couldn’t resist. I signed up for a couple of hundred thousand shares there and then and just told them to wait to take the money for a few days. I’m sure it wont take the lottery people that long to pay out.

So I had a good day. And just to top it off I managed to order a genuine Rolex watch for just £15! I guess it must be old stock but who cares. A man needs a good watch. Ordered one for the wife as well. I also put in an order for this amazing stuff that is going to make my penis a whole 4 inches longer. I mean – with all this money it’s time to start thinking big.

As a footnote to my exciting day, in the evening I got this email from some poor woman who is dying in Nigeria and wants to let me have her 8 million US dollars. I don’t know who these people think they are dealing with. Do they really think I am stupid enough to fall for that?