There is a secret place that cutlery goes and hides in, probably laughing it’s little tynes off as you hunt high and low for it.

You know what it’s like. You grow up, you get the mortgage, kids, car, insurance policies, you do a bit of gardening and then one day you go and buy a nice, fairly expensive set of cutlery which is going to last you the rest of your life and get handed down to your kids. And you lovingly place the cutlery in the cutlery drawer – which might be the first mistake.

Because a year later, when the family are sitting around the table and you need six dinner forks, you suddenly discover that there are only five. And no, the errant fork hasn’t slipped down the back of the drawer. It isn’t in the dishwasher. Your teenage son didn’t take it up to his bedroom with his Pot Noodles because your son isn’t a teenager any more and besides, he doesn’t live at home either. So you spend the rest of the day ripping out the kitchen cabinets trying to track it down until, exhausted by the search you concede that it just ain’t there. And you just know it in your bones that a year or so from now the dinner fork count is going to be four.

So I have concluded that there is a secret place that cutlery goes to hide, rest up, nurse it’s tynes back to good health and have a good laugh at your expense. The problem, of course, is that like everyone else, I just don’t know where it is because it’s a secret that only cutlery knows about.