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It’s happening again. I witnessed all this a year ago only this time it’s bigger, more organised and chaotic in equal measure and the numbers have swollen. We’re talking about the most important date in the 2006 calendar – July 3rd. The premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest.
In short – all hell has broken loose. Victims of JDOCD all over the country are booking days off work, planning what clothes to wear that might grab his attention (so sure are they that he will, in fact, be there) and booking hotel rooms in the vicinity of Leicester Square.
This is such an important and desperate pilgrimage that I have even been told females from the USA are flying over especially. These are women who seem outwardly quite normal until a key ‘Depp Event’ happens when they turn suddenly into adolescents, hormones raging, scrabbling and clawing their way to the front of the forest of womanhood that will station themselves at the doorsteps of the Leicester Square Odeon from before dawn just to get a glimpse, at the very least, of the object of their fantasies. They will stay there, sweatily pressed together, for however long it takes, hot sizzling sun or cold soaking rain. Not one will give up and desert their post. They are united in their obsession.
I can now give two pieces of advice to men everywhere. Firstly, if your wife or girlfriend suddenly wants to visit London without you on July 3rd then she may be a budding victim of JDOCD who hasn’t come out of the closet yet – they can be quite secretive in those early weeks, unsure about your reaction. Secondly, if you suspect that she may have fallen victim to this dread disorder ask her two simple questions: ‘How many Oscar nominations has Depp had?, and ‘What is his shoe size? They may well not know the first but if they know the second they are in a critical stage and need help and support.
Finally, so as not to disappoint any male readers who might happen on this item, I have included the film poster featuring Keira. That’s a thought. I wonder if she’ll turn up for the premiere…
These posts always make me giggle.
Believe me – every single word is true.
Well, I hope this won’t prove disappointing, Andy – but I’m not booking a flight to London.
*ahem*
I am, however, driving from Utah to LA for the world premiere at Disneyland…does that count? roflol
Oh, Andy. Now you made me laugh out loud at work so that everyone within hearing distance turned to each other and said, “It’s got to be something about Johnny.”
Fortunately, I work in an office that is filled with JD fans, or men who are married to victims of JDOCD, so my affliction is well tolerted.
This is what had me lose my composure…
” if you suspect that she may have fallen victim to this dread disorder ask her two simple questions: ‘How many Oscar nominations has Depp had?, and ‘What is his shoe size?”
Ahhhhh…the classic signs. Thanks for my chuckle for the day.
You will undertand that this came from a genuine conversation in which only the second question could be answered. Sad. Very sad.
Andy,
As a JDOCD “sufferer” (nicest affliction I’ve ever suffered from, I must add), I truly enjoy your entries. The men in my life tend to scowl and groan, so it’s nice to see a man who can articulate his frustration with the matter. Please continue to keep us updating in the coming months – there are sure to be all kinds of exciting events!
Welcome Elizabeth. Yes – there are all kinds of plans being brewed up around me, as you can imagine, of which I will have to do a review of quite soon as they will be coming to head in a few short weeks!