My wife and I have been invited by some American friends to visit and stay with them later this year. I’m a little worried about this and could do with some reassurance. Specifically:

• Our friend lives in Tennessee and I just learned that lynching is allowed in this state. I read that the Republican Senator, Lamar Alexander thinks it’s OK to form a mob and go and hang someone up. I read that they beat them up first, sometimes castrate them and while they’re hung up, even set fire to them. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me! I guess the fact that I’m white and English might save me. But when I was a student I did share a house with a black guy. And, my God – I just realised that I have a gay nephew. Will I get out of Tennessee in one piece?
• I need to be blunt here. I’m not a Christian. There I said it. But my wife is a Quaker – does that count? Wasn’t that nice Mr. Nixon a Quaker. And he was a Republican wasn’t he? I know Quakers like to sit in silence and my wife tells me it often lasts for about 18 minutes so that suggests I’m right about him. I don’t have ‘I’m not a Christian’ tattooed on me or anything but it’s easy to tell as I am a tolerant, happy sort of person – a pacifist even. But what happens if I meet a member of the American Taliban that I’ve read so much about? I read all these things they’ve said and it’s pretty scary. I mean, my Mum and Dad remember the Nazi years and this all sounds like Nazi talk to me. I must be wrong because I know America is the land of the free and is strong on liberty and democracy. And that nice Mr. Bush seems so harmless.
• What if I get suspected as being a terrorist? I know from Fox News that there are thousands of Muslim terrorists stalking the streets of America. And we are thinking of taking in Washington DC. I’m sort of darkish skinned although I tend to wear T-shirst and trainers. I suppose terrorists try to blend in as well don’t they? So perhaps that’s not a good idea. I read about what they do to terrorists at Guantanamo and I don’t want to end up there. I don’t want to get blown up either although I haven’t heard about s single act of terrorism on US soil since 2001. Even Fox News hasn’t reported one I think although I’m sure they’re on the lookout.
• I understand that I will be photographed and fingerprinted at customs and generally treated like shit. That’s no bother. I’ve landed at Newark airport before.
• This one may be a problem. I once voted Socialist. Oh of course it doesn’t matter. I wrote about this myself (Why Are These Two Men Holding Hands). I’m forgetting that nice Mr. Bush and our nice Mr. Blair are such good friends. And he’s a Socialist. So I guess I’ll be all right there.

So – given lynch mobs abetted by US Senators; Christian Fundamentalists who want to kill me in most unchristian ways; hordes of Muslim terrorists trying to blow me up; airport security looking for any excuse to refuse me entry; homeland security looking for any excuse to lock me up and torture me; oh yes – and the NRA – is it safe for me and my wife to make a visit?