Dear Tony

I was saddened, along with every other inhabitant of these jewelled isles, to awake this morning to the news that you had once again sold us down the Seine. One minute we are all behind the Great Budget Rebate Stand and wrong-footing the French – and then we learn that you have collapsed like an English Cricket team playing Pakistan’s Schoolboys ‘B’.

It’s bad enough waking up to find ourselves the joke of Europe but it is particularly galling to know that behind his public praise, Jacques Chirac is laughing all the way to the onion shed.

And now you have two extra problems. Firstly you have to explain and sell this abandonment of principles to the British public and secondly, you have to find a way to fund the $7 billion pounds you just gave away on our behalf.

Well – I have a great idea that I think you might find useful. It not only finds the £7 billion and allows you to sell it to the British people but it does, in fact, give just about everybody what they want.

–Page 2 –

The answer? Scottish independence. And here is how it all works out.

I think you will agree that Scotland wants it’s independence from the UK. It never really liked the Act of Union in the first place and has been patiently searching for nearly 300 years to find a loophole. The English would, on the whole, be more than happy to see them go. The Welsh don’t give a damn and the Northern Irish have got enough problems of their own and wouldn’t notice.

At the same time, the annual subsidy to Scotland from the British parliament, is currently £2,200 a head. Of the £45.3 billion handed over in the last year to our tartan friends in the north, £34 billion was raised by Scottish taxpayers leaving an £11.3 billion shortfall. And who forked over that £11.3 billion? The English – that’s who.

If Scotland was given independence then they would keep their oil and gas revenues but that would still leave them exactly £7 billion short of what we give them.

£7 billion. Sound familiar?

–Page 3 –

So – independence for Scotland saves England £7 billion. You give the £7 billion to Europe in a sleight of hand that even the Financial Times wont notice – Scotland is celebrating and England is reclaimed for the English.

Everyone is happy. Even Jose Manuel Barroso’s perpetual grin will be wider.

Of course, this scheme does mean that you will lose all of your Scottish MP’s. And thinking about it, doesn’t that mean that you lose the Labour majority in the House of Commons? Oh bugger. It does doesn’t it.

But it’s still worth it Tony. Look at it this way – you’re place in history will be assured. And you’d no longer have to worry about Gordon becoming Prime Minister. That’s an extra bonus.

My love to the family as always and please tell John Prescott to smile more.

Best regards as always…