I’ve just completed an 800 mile drive across the eastern USA, 700 of which I spent alone. Well – not entirely alone as with me in the car at all times was Satellite Susan, my talking Satellite Navigation System supplied by the rental company, Hertz. I didn’t strictly need Susan for this trip as I was following another car in which my wife was being driven by her friend TJ who knew the roads to take but I figured that we might get separated along the way, especially when it got dark and then Susan would come to my rescue. So I diligently coded in the destination and let Susan offer me directions throughout the journey, even though I didn’t need them.

As I guess I should have expected, Susan and TJ up front didn’t always make the same choices. And having ignored Susan’s instruction to turn right I could almost hear her sigh before informing me she was re-calculating the route. And being alone and having abandoned any hope in US radio after the first 4 ‘god’ stations discussing gay men in the priesthood (a subject that, for some reason, consumed them that day), I started to chat, as one does, to my technological friend. Mostly, it was just banter: ‘Thanks Susan’ when she got me to the right turn-off. ‘You cut that one a bit close Susie’ when she left it a bit late to tell me to keep left. That sort of thing.

The most interesting part was when we skirted the city of Washington DC and it became apparent that TJ wasn’t too sure of her directions and hadn’t intentionally wound up in city traffic with turn-offs flying past in every direction. Susan, of course, kept her head and knew both exactly where we were and exactly how to escape it back to the less traumatic freeway we were searching for.

Susan: Take the next right in .2 of a mile
Andy: I can’t – TJ didn’t
Susan: Take the next right now
Andy: No – too late.
Susan: (sigh) Re-calculating the route… OK – fork to the left in .2 of a mile
Andy: But I’m in the right hand lane…
Susan: Well move over idiot
Andy: TJ’s taking the right fork
Susan: Do you want me to get you out of here? (sigh) Re-calculating the route…
Andy: Sorry
Susan: OK – I can get you to the right freeway if you take a left in 2 miles
Andy: Sounds good. Er… Looks like TJ is taking a right here…
Susan: Let her – keep on this road for another 1.8 miles.
Andy: I can’t do that!
Susan: Do you want me to get you to fucking Delaware? I can turn myself off you know. Oh fuck! Re-calculating the route…