Dear Tony

Sorry to write so soon after your holiday when I know you must be busy catching up with all the news from Iraq and Scotland Yard and launching the ‘Respect’ campaign and all those other very interesting things you get up to. I do hope you enjoyed your vacation by the way. Anyway, enough of the chatter and down to business.

You may have noticed that there is a bit of a rumpus brewing over the Scottish and Welsh assemblies. We English are feeling a little bit left out. You see, Scotland has it’s own parliament made up of Scottish MP’s and Wales has it’s own parliament made up of Welsh MP’s and even Northern Ireland, when that nasty old Mr. Paisley starts to get into line, will have it’s own assembly. Made up, of course, of Irishmen. But us poor English – well – we don’t have one do we? And a few of us have started to think that this is just a tad undemocratic. Especially, as Scots, Welsh and Irish MP’s get to be members and vote in the London parliament yet we don’t get reciprocal rights.

So I thought I’d best give you a heads up that there is a bit of a feeling in the wind although I am sure a man of your intellect and ability should have already worked this out.

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Now I realise you can’t just set up an English Assembly overnight. But I do have an idea that might start to stem the flow of dissatisfaction while you put out the tenders for the new building to house one. As a gesture to the English, I propose you appoint an all-English cabinet. New rule – to serve in the government, you have to be English born and bred. What do you think?

Of course, that means a big re-shuffle and we’ll lose a few familiar faces, but I’ve already done the homework so you wont have to ask them all where they come from. Here’s the list.

John Prescott – Deputy Prime Minister. I didn’t realise that ‘2-Jags’ was born in Wales. You wouldn’t think it to listen to him would you. Anyway – I’m sure you wont miss this ‘Old Labour’ man with his links to the rise and fall of the old Trade Unions.

Gordon Brown – Chancellor. He might not sound it either but definitely a Scot. I’ll miss Gordon a bit. I’ve enjoyed watching his jaw drop at the end of each sentence. But rules are rules.

Alistair Darling – Transport and Scottish Secretary. Another Scot but will anyone really miss him?

John Reid – Defence. Well at least Dr. Reid has been honest enough to keep a bit of an accent. But it’s not enough.

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Peter Hain – Northern Ireland and Wales Secretary. A good one this. Always been a troublemaker and he used to be a Liberal! South African in case you hadn’t noticed.

Lord Falconer of Thoroton – Lord Chancellor. I know he’s one of your best mates but he’s also a Scot and has to go.

Des Browne – Secretary to Treasury. A bit of a dark horse this one but yes, you guessed it. Another Scot.

Douglas Alexander – Minister of State for Europe. Same again. You did pick them didn’t you?

Baroness Amos – Leader, House of Lords. Difficult one this because we don’t want to appear to be racist do we? But rules are rules and Valerie was born in Guyana so off she goes.

What a list eh? 9 out of 26 cabinet members for the chop! Time to bring in some fresh, English blood. Actually, you can get rid of the Scottish, Welsh and Northern Ireland Secretarial posts can’t you so that makes it easier. Anyway – I hope this helps and I look forward to hearing about the reshuffle soon.

Hang on a mo. I’m forgetting something Tony! Weren’t you born in Edinburgh?

Fondest regards and please give my best wishes to Cherie.